The Bar.

Everyone and their grandfather likes to unwind with their favorite beer or cocktail after a long day of work  right? It's as american as apple pie and race-wars. Be it going out with co-workers and venting frustration or simply socializing with friends on the weekends, we can pretty much all relate. Most of us have our favorite bar or restaurant in which we frequent and much like Cheers we probably know the bartender by name as well as the saucy cougar that sits in the corner eye-raping you every Saturday. Personally I like smaller, relaxed, and homely bars as opposed to the rambunctious clubs filled with overdressed hooligans and insane drink specials. When I drink, I like to hear what the person in front of me is saying, and the last thing i need is to be worried weather or not that sad fat girl in the corner is going to throw up on me.

Bars offer a few key elements in which attract people. They present a great place to gather and/or meet new people. Some bars host live music to listen or dance to with your buddies. Some portray the ambiance and cooled atmosphere of a sophisticated coffee shop built for hipsters and art majors. Though I'm pretty sure we all  know the main reason humans gravitate to these establishments. Alcohol. The booze is what the building was built around. That's what keeps it running. The bartender knows how make all the cool drinks you have never had a fucking clue about. Like an Old Fashioned or a Mojito, I don't know what the fuck is in them, but my guess is booze, and magic. Then there are some with quaint little names like "Red Headed Slut" and "The Panty Dropper." You know... Classy shit. Bars offer an absolute plethora of insanely overpriced concoctions in which give you the audacity to talk to the hot chick sitting in the corner. She has "Totally been eyeing you bro!"  Hey maybe you might even make a pass. Unfortunately in these situations, things don't always end up as they would seem. Many mornings are met with as simple question. "Oh god... Why?"

"I swear to god, last night she was a 7."


Though these watering holes offer a different type of environment than normal day to day life. The downsides of drinking in public are many. I would just like to lay out a couple key reasons in which I try and stay away from these places.





Absolutely fucking ridiculous drink specials...

Living in Kansas, there isn't much to do. Like... At all. Unless you have an insane amount of money you are willing to dole it out on expensive entertainment, your usual weekend consists of going out to a bar with friends or sitting at home and slowly cooking your brain with television. There just isn't much to do here in the mid-west. Therefor we supplement our lack of interesting local attractions with booze. The bars around here are numerous and nearly always full past about Ten o' clock. Though due to the over-saturation of drinking establishments, there is a lot of competitive marketing.
I remember hearing "dollar drink night" at a local place in town (lets call it "The Vom Locker") for the first time at about 22 years old. To me this sounded splendid. We could go out, get drunk, save money for pizza and have a night of it. Then, what felt like a week later, a different bar (lets call this Pukers) introduced the 75 cent drink special. The Vom Locker countered with the 50 cent drinks. Then Pukers migrated to beer, cutting prices of shitty beer to attract more people with dollar pints, $2.50 pitchers and so on. This sounds like alco-heaven doesn't it?
Consider then that they are not only driving down price, but also quality. Now, five dollars gets you more drunk than you need to be, but considering you are used to spending ten bucks or more on a night of drinks, you step up the game! The mix of shitty beer and even shittier bottom shelf liquor typically doesn't end well. It invites all kinds of bad mojo. These kind of specials are deals nobody can say no to! Especially bro-tastic alcoholics. You can only imagine where that lead.

Soon after the drink war started there was a wave of bar fights, public indecency and police activity around these places. Cops would literally line up outside these bars to watch the staggering masses climb into their cars and take off. This made it shitty for those of us who would only go out and have a beer or two and drive home. The mix of terrible booze and intense social situations leads to a lot of stupid fights. Like the "Did you look at my girlfriend bro!?" or the "You're wearing my Tapout shirt bro!" I could count at least one fight a week at The Vom Locker and I once literally saw a guy beaten with a chair at Pukers. That's about the time I decided it was best to leave these places to the cavemen and loose women.
Speaking of loose women. Lets talk about some sluts!



Bar Girls...

We're attractive! I swear!

As a single man. I sometimes I feel like the only place to meet women is to go to a bar, get drunk enough to start talking to them, and then try and finger bang them in the bathroom. What can I say? I'm a gentleman. In reality I tend to look for women with a decent sense of humor and who actually shows some form of knowledge. It took me quite some time to realize that going to a bar wasn't the best way to meet girls.
The problem about picking up chicks at a bar is that, most of the time, you can't get a single intelligent word out of a drunk girl's mouth. I'm not saying all women are stupid when drunk, but I am saying that there is one special breed of retard out there. That is the bar fly. Also known as "Woo Girls", or my favorite... "Dumb Cunts." You know them, the loud ones taking so many pictures that it makes you feel as though you may have a seizure. Their screeches have the power to make you physically ill. If you are unfortunate enough to have a seat near a group of these... things... You may as well wear sunglasses, earmuffs, and a hat that says "GO... THE FUCK... AWAY."

There are a few ways to figure out if the girl you are talking to is one of this lot. First, is she screaming everything she says at the top of her lungs? Have you seen her ass crack or a nipple slip out of a scantly outfit more than once? Is she surrounded by three or more girls that look nearly the same? Does the bartender know her last name and keep looking at her warily? If you said yes to any of these questions. Run away as fast as you can before you get chlamydia. Seriously dude. They emanate that shit like the common cold. Ask a doctor.
(Cute fact: The town I live in has the third highest chlamydia/gonorrhea rate in the mid-west) 

Glad i brought my penicillin  


I'll be completely honest with you. I used to have a drinking problem. Though no matter how much I drank, THIS shit was never cool to me. It's smart to use caution with alcohol, because if you don't. You will end up fucking a hideously ugly person, showing your naughty bits to the world via the internet (your dad WILL find it) or getting injured or arrested. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional "Lets get fucktarded drunk and do stupid things"  but I typically set them up with drivers, days off and a spare stomach pump. I suggest that we don't go to these places that support the slow decline into alcoholism and syphilis. Hey, you know what? Lets try and class things back up again. Go all speakeasy on this shit. Like the olden days. O.K? Lets all relax, grow a sick mustache and drink like a sir. Wouldn't that be nice?
I think it would
Because I'm a god-damned gentleman.
Thank you.

The Internet...

Let's get one thing right out in the open before we begin... I am addicted to the internet. Be it news, information, entertainment or just trying to waste away a day looking at new memes and photo-shopped images of Emma Watson in a onesie being fisted by a ocelot (I'll almost guarantee it's out there). The web has changed the world as we know it. For god's sake we call this the Information Age mostly due to the use of the internet and it's ability to connect you directly to any bit of information mankind has ever recorded... Ever... You can learn about anything you ever dreamed of. Do you want learn how to crochet? You bet your  sweet little ass you do! The internet is there to teach you, guide the way, and be your friend every step of the way to a shitty birthday scarf for your friend (fuck you Todd). It allows you to connect with your friends, your boss, your neighbor or jump on Omegle and talk to some random pre-pubescent Newfoundlander who wants to know all about your sexy things. It's referred to Information Highway (which is just a cool term for "that thing we use to look up funny pictures of cats while we pretend to actually work.") because it virtually is the entrepot of everything mankind has to offer. Especially adorable, doltish, borderline retarded cats.

Fact: Antifreeze makes your pet 450% more adorable.

The internet is a vital part of research and education in our times. Find me one college student who hasn't literally jumbled a Wikipedia article around to avoid plagiarism in the past three years and I'll find you a gerbil that can effectively alter the space time continuum with the business end of its ass. The simple fact is that both of these thing don't fucking exist whatsoever (Get on it Science!). From research papers to in-class studies and presentations, the internet has proved vital to education. Laptops are literally required for an education it seems. This is actually a beautiful thing. Think of it, learning on a god-damned global scale. This means more cultured and well rounded students (and abominate artsy pricks). At the same time it has helped students, it has rendered many college presentations a Ritalin addled ramble of what-the-fuckery due to too much time spent procrastinating with addictive flash games and the absolute void that is internet porn. In fact, I'm watching porn right now! Do you have ANY idea what kind of multitasking this takes!? DO YOU!?

As you can see here, there is a direct correlation between "research" and tendonitis!

While growing up we didn't have the musings of the internet. I don't remember what me or my friends did for fun as a kid before my first dial-up connection, but I'm pretty sure we went outside or something. Either way that information has been mostly deleted and replaced with countless amounts of  rage comics. Now i can't look down my street without seeing a toddler sporting an I-Phone reading Dora the Explorer's latest tweet. Is it a good thing that the youth is being exposed to such a volatile thing such as The World Wide Web? The seedy underbelly of the internet encompasses all of the exact things we don't want them to see or even know about! It's only a matter of time before your nine-year-old misspells the word "goat" on Google and runs into one of the most horrific images ever published! How will you explain that to them? Can you even IMAGINE having "The Talk" with your kid after they have already been exposed to Lemon Party and Tub-Girl?
Something to think about before you give a kid the omniscience that lies online.

Well, there goes my innocence.

Overall the net is just there to store information. Weather it be about quantum mechanics or prego-sex. It has changed the world for both better and worse. We can't blame the internet. It never did anything to us. It's just like a really smart friend who has pictures and diagrams of everything. A place to create, connect, masturbate and learn.

I am Kevin Amend and I fucking LOVE the internet

I started this blog today as a new project. I have no history with writing or proper grammar. Bare with me.