Internet Friends

          I grew up watching the internet become what it is today. Before it was in everyone's pocket and the go-to solution for calling bullshit on your friend's bold claims of inventing the electronic dildo-copter, it was mostly there to find information and a place where single, eighteen year old females congregated in chat rooms by the hundreds. It was a wonderful place full of crazy flash games, terrible animations and filthy, disgusting porn. Literally everything that I enjoy today, only it was new. The internet assaulted my sensibilities at a very young age. By the time Goatse surfaced, I was immune to everything... at the ripe old age of twelve...

Completely dead inside.

          Growing up, every add or TV show that involved the internet was always followed by a PSA. "Remember to ask your parents before going online!" That's because the stigma with the internet was that it was full of nothing but terrible, awful people looking for nothing in life other than to be just the worst. This is absolutely true. Look at any comment section literally anywhere. People are awful and eight equals D. There is no use arguing either of those points.

          

          Soon we all realized that all of those sexy eighteen year old girls (myself including) were actually just other horny guys aged nine to ninety. People on the internet were all just lying right through their dicks. Growing up, parents and teachers all told stories of kids getting kidnapped and/or killed because they met someone in an online chat and decided to meet in some park next to a dildo factory. It was the news' favorite thing to talk about for years. To Catch A Predator reaffirmed our fears by using techniques perfected by pedophiles to out-pedophile the pedophiles. The thought of meeting someone you met online in real life was a death sentence covered in semen. That was how it was for a long time. Parents were shitting fear all over the place and that fear dripped into my psyche all throughout my childhood.

This kind of thing was fucking everywhere. Covered in dad shits.

          Sure there is good reason to be weary of these kinds of things. The amount of awfulness on the net seems insurmountable, but on the flip-side, there are tons of amazing things to be found there as well. Do you want tie-dye doilies for the kitchen in your stash house? Some little lady on Etsy can hook that shit right up. Do you feel like you want to die? There are forums of people just like you that can help you out. There is definitely a Yin to the internet's big old floppy Yang. 

          The same can be said about the people there. Since pretty much everyone has access to the web now-a-days, there are loads of people just like you out there. There are countless threads full of people talking about the same shit that you love to do. Be it reading books or jerking off to pictures of Gary Busey, they're all there and can't wait for you to chime in. That little tie-dye doily lady from Etsy is probably just the sweetest little fucker on the face of the planet and she's there as well.

She also has the BEST drugs.

          These days, with how customizable any given internet experience can be, it's not uncommon to run into others who share your interests. Being a single, middle aged black woman like myself, you can find other sexy chocolate comrades on a multitude of sites like Blackpeoplemeet.com or Bootyhootenanny.gov. Not into booty and/or hootenannying? Try the "strictly platonic" section of craigslist to find other people who just want a new friend. Anyone will do... Please? 

          

          The point is, things have changed. People aren't so apprehensive about  meeting through the internet and nobody is going to flinch when you tell them you "know a guy online." Lots of people you know have online dating profiles and some of those people aren't totally horrible! I have made friends with a load of interesting people inside my computer. Matter of fact, I would say that 75% of the people I talk to hail from the net. But what about meeting them in real life? That still carries with it some kind of deep seeded apprehension in most people. I'm here to tell you that this is bullshit. Some of the coolest people I have ever met I stumbled across on the web.

          I started a Twitter account a couple years ago because my friend nearly forced me to. I had no idea what I was doing, so I just started churning out dumb jokes. As it turned out, I ended up meeting loads of people with a similar sense of humor. I have met comedians, writers, and all around great people because of it. My first time contacting an internet friend over the phone was actually pretty neat. His name is Minigan and he writes amazing pop-culture fiction and random stories that are sure to delight on his website here. We read each other's stuff and give feedback and joke around all the time, so one day I called his bitch-ass up. We had a nice little chat about writing, comedy and how big our dicks are. (Mine being the largest of course) I consider him a friend now, because whether or not he likes it, he is. 

          After realizing that this all wasn't so bad and was actually pretty cool, I moved forward, contacting many of my favorite people that I had found in the depths of the interweb. Some became Facebook friends and eventually they grew as dear to me as any of my real life people buddies. At this point I had gotten comfortable enough with some of them that I wasn't averse to meeting these people in real life. I had toyed around with the idea for a while and a couple were totally down to clown. My friends thought I was crazy, but I was actually pretty interested in where all this might lead. I eventually invited one of my friends I had met through Twitter to my home to hang out and just do friend stuff for a weekend. Her name is Dani and she's fucking rad.

Welcome, friend...

          

         Dani and I decided it would be fun for her to come from Tennessee to check out what Kansas is like. (spoiler alert: exactly what you think it's like) We enjoyed enough of the same things and had lengthy conversations about how big our dicks were on multiple occasions. I really enjoyed her as a person and was confident that, in real life, she'd be just as swell. Before we set up the meeting I had made sure that she was, indeed, a real human. We had talked over the phone and Skype quite a few times. We'd been talking for over a year via the internet and a few months via more direct means. I was quite confident that she would not kidnap and/or murder me.

         

          After she arrived we spent a few days palling around and having a grand old time. We visited the city, watched movies and hung out with my friends. It was awesome! To this day she is friend that I can talk to about anything. She has helped me laugh through bad days and listen to me bitch and moan just like any other buddy would. I never really imagined myself just finding strangers on the internet and building a real relationship with them. To me the idea still seems a bit alien, but Dani was a hit not only with me, but all of my friends. Thus driving home the fact that I was stupid for not doing this kind of thing sooner.

Pictured: Not Dani

           Now what about traveling to someone else's home that you have never met in person? It's one thing to have home-court advantage in case things go awry, but willingly putting yourself in a place you don't know with people who you have only communicated with online is just crazy right? That is just a one way ticket to Rape-Dungeonsburg, population: twenty dudes in your ass, right?

           Wrong. One of my favorite writers and funny people in general, John Cheese, and I had been making each other laugh on the internet for quite a while before he invited me to come thug out with him. I had been following his work for a long time and looked up to him quite a bit, so naturally I was excited about the idea. He and his wife,Emily, are good people. They only murdered, like, one guy while I was there and it was his fault for being rude when we tried to mow his lawn for him. (Some people are too cranky at 4am) I was there for four days of video games, meat and laughter. The only weird part about the whole thing was that, after a couple hours there, it just felt like I was with friends I had known for a long time. I didn't feel out of place or awkward at all other than when John bested me in a dong-helicopter contest. I don't handle failure well and ended up rage-shitting on Emily's cat. It turned out fine though. That cat is a dick.

You heard me... You fucking asshole.

               Now outside of just meeting people, I have had a few opportunities to help people out. I often give friends feedback on everything from writing stories, stand-up routines and erotic fiction, to support when they come on hard times. They have done the same for me. It's always good to have someone to talk to. Even if it's through a chatbox, the fact that you know someone out there cares about who you are is awesome. The little circle of friends I have built through my screen gives me just as much joy as the people I actually see every day. I can go to them for the same kind of help and they're glad to be there for me. Amanda Mannen and I worked together to get an article done for Cracked.com recently and that is something I have wanted to do for years. I just asked for her help and she did me a solid. Without her, I'd just have another dumb blog post like this one and without me, she would have been just a bit poorer.

           I have a friend named Kasey who once was just a random twitter person who's jokes I liked. We talked here and there, eventually Skyped and found out more about each other. She was an art student living in Chicago, I was a guy who didn't know how to use commas in Kansas. After few months of knowing her, I found out that she was moving to a town not ten minutes from mine. I got her a job as soon as she got into town and now she works with me. How cool is that? I see her every other day and we measure dicks often. (I win by a significant amount every time, but she keeps insisting that I am cheating.) Without the internet, she would have been in a new town, jobless, friendless and eventually sucking dicks outside Circle K for crack money.

           The very computer I'm writing this on was actually a fucking gift from a hilarious guy I know from Canada named Christopher Mullins. We've been twitter friends for a while and he makes me laugh all the goddamn time. I was bitching on twitter one day about needing a new computer and he just fucking sent me one! I offered him money for it and he refused on the grounds that, if he were to accept payment for a good deed, he would have to commit Canada-seppuku. He just wanted to help a brotha' out and had the means to do so. This is a guy who not only knows me exclusively through a computer screen, but also lives in a whole different fucking country! This leads me to believe that all the stereotypes about Canada are absolutely true. Especially the one about them having gigantic penises. Now go ask ANY of your friends (Canadian or otherwise) for a free computer. If they give you a free computer, they are either the nicest person you know, or you're friends with Jesus.
Chris, you are my Jesus.

Just slathered in maple syrup.

           All of these people I have met I consider honest to goodness friends. Not my "online friends" but just normal, everyday friends. I'd do anything for these people. Had it not been for the fact that everyone in the whole world is connected to each other, none of us would have ever met and that is just sad to think about. The world is host to thousands of people that I would gladly give my kidney to. Even if it wasn't a match, I'd still rip that fucker out and hand it to them as a sentiment. The stigma that finding friends or dating online being weird or dangerous is absolutely insane to me now. I have access to a world of people who are interesting, funny and more like me than the people I'm just stuck living near, so why not use that to my advantage? 

          Above all, these people give me confidence. The fact that such rad people enjoy me, my dumb jokes and can see past my horrifically monstrous genitals, makes me feel wanted. I'm a fan of all these people. They're all caring, funny and sexy and I'm glad to call all of them friends.

Suck it.